Neighbors piss me off. Really. I know that may come as a shock, but it’s true. And I’ll tell you why.
So there we are, ready to have a little family bonfire (well, not using the family as fuel, but to sit around a fire)…got my makeshift pit set up in the mulch area, I have all my ‘clean’ wood ready to go (cast-offs from the lingerie dresser — the most expensive fire in London).
Now another aside…I was telling Kari that I wanted to do more ‘adult’ things (not THOSE adult things…though really, I guess I DO mean those adult things too). You know, adult things that doesn’t involve kids (no splash pads, no kids parties). A strange thought indeed.
Anyways, Steve Tanton pokes his head over the fence, kind of like that guy did in that show that sucked. You know the one I’m talking about. He says ‘you’re having a fire?’ Yup. ‘I’m having a fire! Why don’t you come over here?’
Hmmmm, good idea. Especially because the wind speed is hovering around 15kms (the limit being 15). Why, if someone called the fire department, they’d call them on YOU.
We all think it’s a delightful idea. Kari, Cordy, Paige, and me. And we bring a few beverages (of the slightly more adult kind for Kari and me…only slightly more because they’re coolers…the kind with more booze in them).
Our neighbors have a nice little chimnea (or however they’re spelled). Their son, Ethan, is two and a half…but he’s a boy, so even though he’s a full year behind Paige, his sheer energy level is enough to close the gap.
Anyhoo, I finish my first drink. Kari says ‘here, this is fun in a cup’. Fun in a Cup? I’ve heard about it but does it taste good? Why, it does! Imagine the name actually fitting the drink. It’s like a little party in an orange plastic tumbler.
At this point, Cordy is put down to bed. But because they’re our neighbors, we can bring the monitor and STILL have adult time. Nice. Paige, well, Paige has a new best friend in Ethan (who speaks french…and already Paige was trying to speak the damn language — boys are evil, I tell you. EVIL!).
Before I realize it, I have LOTS of fun, and the Fun in a Cup is all gone (guess it was supposed to be a shared Pitcher in a Cup…oops). This is when Steve Tanton pulls the ultimate prick move. Like, I still can’t believe he did it.
‘You know, I have a whole house of booze”. Really? “Yup.” He makes me these things called Rusty Nails. Orange Juice and Dominican Republic rum. Hmmm, wow, that rum tastes pretty strong. Still, not bad.
The ass then proceeds to give me more drinks. Seriously, what’s with that? Everything is fine until I try to get up. Hey, the world, it’s sliding away. Paige finally says it’s time to go home. Kari says it’s time to go home, and the suddenly spinning world is telling me it’s time to go home.
Oh, it didn’t end there. Full on hangovers, my friends. Spinning world (I slept on the couch so I could keep the lights on — the lights seemed to stabilize the world). All I need is a good nights sleep and I’ll be fine…
No. I won’t be fine. Why, I haven’t been that sick since…well, the infamous Joe Cool’s night of 2005. But that one was self inflicted. This one was beyond my control.
As I write this, I suddenly UNDERSTAND why Steve Tanton was telling me stories about Dominican Republic Rum. About how it’s 151 proof (yes, 75% alcohol)…you see, I thought he was telling me it (as he poured the rum into glasses) because it was a delightful story (hey, you have a pitcher of Fun in a Cup and see if your powers of deduction are any better).
He should’ve known better. He should’ve explained that my drinks were loaded. Was he trying to get into my pants or something (poor guy, he didn’t even need to get me drunk — my pants are community property…you want in them? No problem!)
And I’m partied out.
Wow, your neighbours do suck. Serving 151 proof, what’s with that? You see, you need cool neighbours that let their dogs crap on your lawn (and not pick it up). Now those are GREAT neighbours!
P.S. Glad you decided not to use the family as fuel, Child Services really frowns upon that!
damn bastard neighbours! Have neighbours like ours – have a pool – NEVER use it, never invite us over but smoke really good pot so you can get second hand high!
Ah Leslie huhhahuh er Ryan and I have been meaning to tell you, about our unique way of welcoming former renters into their new homes.
Ohhh, tough call on the front yard. Both houses I had (previous to Grosvenor which has driveways separating the yards) it was shrubs. This is mine, this is yours. It’s hard to do — here you are teaching Addie to share…but then you want to tell your neighbor to screw off — that it’s your lawn.
2nd rule: Make sure you don’t have carpenter ants. I have this friend…errr…forget about it.
3rd rule: I won’t tell you this one until something goes wrong and I say ‘you should’ve followed the 3rd rule of house ownership’. Then won’t you feel silly!
Leslie…gads! Did I not tell you the FIRST rule to a house? Build fences! Seriously. Get them up as fast as you can. I’m not joking. I even have a fence guy who can do it nice and cheap.
I nag at all my friends — put in a fence. Brian, Rich, now you, all get the same treatment. Put in a fence!
Fence along the front lawn? Isn’t that a little Hells Angelish though? We have fencing the back….
And NO you did not tell me the first rule to a house. What about the 2nd and 3rd… I can use help with those.