I double-checked my genes the other day. They’re all gold. Not one bad RNA, one recessive gene, or one misplaced mitochondria (Hey, I got a 22% in University Genetics…yes, I realize that 22% is less than a monkey would get if he took the course).
But my kids both have wonky hips. Just like Kari had wonky hips. When she was their age. Not saying it’s her fault…but if I gave them the stubborn gene, then well maybe she gave them the…obviously just a coincidence.
So how did they get wonky hips? A little bit of digging and…
I believe that the Kremlin is poisoning my kids. My guess is it’s probably polonium-210 radiation poisoning. You know — the usual. Well, they tried to poison Paige but she wouldn’t sit still. And we all know how difficult it is feeding a kid polonium-210 on the best of days! So her hips weren’t too bad.
Cordelia — as long as they would’ve given her her own spoon, they might’ve been able to get her to eat some good old fashioned polonium. But they probably didn’t know the ‘double’ spoon trick so she would’ve screamed, kicked, and spat the radioactive waste back in their stupid Kremlin faces.
Or it’s from our trip to Chernobyl (couldn’t afford the $8 seat sale to Florida so we went to Russia instead for $4 round-trip).
Okay, okay, there’s no use trying to find blame (stupid Russians with their stupid sauerkraut and their Mardi Gras).
But Cordelia has to wear a cruiser hip abduction brace when she sleeps. It spreads her hips so that the hip socket will have a chance to form correctly (some medical mumbo-jumbo about ‘hip’ and ‘socket’ — I know, who can follow along?)
OH MY GOD!
This is going to be horrible. She’ll scream, she’ll yell! Look how uncomfortable she looks. She wont’ be able to sleep! Maybe we should take shifts comforting her through the first nights. How are we going to get through the next four months?
WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO?
Wait, she’s asleep.
Kind of looks comfortable, too.
Huh.
Are you trying to tell me that a parent over-reacted again? That the kid didn’t care one bit?
Impossible.
I blame the Russians.
You sure that hip problem isn’t a nagging injury from her bout in UFC 71?
Parents DO NOT overreact! Why just this morning Kaylin did a beautiful pirouette somersault plancha down two steps and my man-bits only PARTLY went into my throat and a girlish squeal of terror only SLIGHTLY came out of my mouth (of course she was unfazed and just went on about her life).
Of course not…parents aren’t crazy. They are freaking nuts. All parents (myself included). The things I hear parents worry about. And it’s okay, it’s built into us.
I worry because Paige is in a daycare full of boys. No girlie influence. She’s 3 (no matter how freakishly tall she is, she’s still 3) — I don’t think masculine and feminine influences at this age really mean much.
Of course, I learned from roller hockey (I’m sure John did too) that parents are all crazy. My whole goal now, is to not become like them.